My journey with breastfeeding has not been ideal. Breastfeeding was another area of motherhood that I was not properly prepared for. Thankfully I was surrounded by friends and family who supported the “fed is best” mantra (which I did and still do too). I still felt like I saw a lot of positive breastfeeding content that subconsciously made me feel like I HAD to breastfeed.
Spoiler alert: After over two months of breastfeeding and many consultations later, I am feeling MUCH better about it. Feel empowered to get as much professional help as you need and remember, there’s no right or wrong way to feed your baby, no matter what anyone says!
My Hospital Experience
My first experience with breastfeeding was at the hospital with the in-hospital lactation consultants. We had a consultant visit us the evening Owen was born to give us a high-level overview of “how to breastfeed”. To be honest, I can hardly remember what she said because that entire day was a blur, but I do remember her having us try different positions, talking about how long to feed (no longer than 45 minutes per breast – um excuse me?) and that my milk may not come in for a few days but would produce colostrum. She suggested that we supplement with formula the first few days as my milk came in.
The next day, I was having trouble breastfeeding (probably because I remembered nothing from the day before), so we requested another lactation consultation. This consultant went into much greater detail and helped troubleshoot Owen’s latch. She talked about the cross-cradle hold and introduced us to the nipple shield to help baby learn how to latch since he was brand new and learning for the first time along with us. She also provided us with a bunch of freebies to take home, including the nipple shield, a manual pump, and lots of milk storage bags and disposable breast pads.
Owen was still not latching perfectly, but I figured that would just take time and practice considering he was so little. But this second consultation made me feel much more confident that breastfeeding would be smooth sailing once we got home – but man was I wrong.
My At-Home Experience
Once we got home, that was when the real work and struggles began. I think we were high on adrenaline, so our first night home didn’t seem too bad. Breastfeeding was painful, but again, I attributed that to it being a new sensation for my body and Owen learning how to do it. We supplemented with formula that the hospital sent us home with (make sure to ask for extra) to ensure Owen was getting enough nutrition. He would breastfeed for about 30-45 minutes total and we would supplement with 10-15ml of formula at each feed.
Owen’s First Pediatrician Visit
The day after discharge, we had Owen’s first pediatrician appointment. I mentioned that I was planning on breastfeeding but did not have a strong preference as long as he was getting the appropriate amount of nutrition. Our pediatrician mention that it would take a few days for my breastmilk to come in but that we could and should supplement with formula (aka what we did the first night) until then. But otherwise, she was very casual about breastfeeding and said to give it two weeks before deciding to quit.
As part of his normal post-birth check-up, they weighed him and noted that he had lost almost 9% of his body weight. This was on the higher end of what’s considered normal, but his pediatrician was not concerned. As long as we fed him every 2-3 hours and he had one wet diaper per day for how old he was (ie. one day old = one wet diaper, two days old = two wet diapers, etc) through when he was 6 days old he should be getting enough. The overall goal was to ensure he was at this birth weight by his 2-week appointment.
Our pediatrician sent us home with a “Newborn Manual” that she jokingly referred to as our “new Google”. It had information and guidance about breastfeeding and how much we should be supplementing. These documents encouraged a breastfeeding session to be between 15-45 minutes for the first week, which sounded much more doable than the “no more than 45 minutes PER BREAST” advice we received from the in-hospital lactation consultant.
Breastmilk Coming In
The next few days were probably the worst of my breastfeeding journey to date. Due to my lack of knowledge of anatomy and how breastfeeding worked, I thought my boobs were going to explode and be ripped apart from the outside in AND the inside out at the same time. What I didn’t realize was that this was the normal period of engorgement.
I was still breastfeeding and supplementing during that period, but I was truly not prepared for how painful it would be. From the minute Owen latched on, to the entire (almost) hour-long feeding session, to the post-breastfeeding feeling, everything hurt. Even the fabric of my very soft nursing bras rubbing against my nipples was extremely painful. Thank goodness for nipple butter and silver nursing cups because those did help alleviate pain between feeding sessions.
I had always heard that “if breastfeeding is painful then something is probably wrong”, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon. I didn’t want to establish a bad foundation where Owen would not be getting proper nutrition because he had to work twice as hard to get milk. I also started noticing Owen had a lip blister growing, which meant that he had a bad latch (according to Doctor Google oops).
In between sessions, I was also pumping in hopes of increasing my supply. I had read that pumping may help stimulate your body’s milk production. Thankfully my pumping experience was not as painful or stressful as breastfeeding. I used the Spectra S1 electric pump and the parts that came with it (more on this later) twice a day (once in the morning, once in the early evening) to help jumpstart my supply. This seemed to help because I noticed that I was able to pump a few ounces in one session, which was reassuring.
After a few days of this breastfeeding pain (and late-night Google searches – which I don’t recommend but know is inevitable), the thought of quitting my breastfeeding journey altogether started creeping into my mind. If breastfeeding was going to be this stressful and painful, I didn’t think I would make it through two weeks of this, let alone through the first week. I floated this idea to Drew that I could potentially exclusively pump. He was supportive of whatever decision I wanted to make but did encourage me to try the two weeks if I felt up to it. I knew I wanted to give it a good ‘ol college try and get through the two weeks before officially calling it quits.
Baby Blues
While I was going through the physical pain of breastfeeding, the major changes were taking a toll on my mental state. With all of the struggles of breastfeeding, the hormones that were flowing through my body, and the complete lifestyle change resulted in almost 4 straight nights of uncontrollable crying.
It was something I had never experienced before. I would say about a week after being home, I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day. Then when we were home with my family over making dinner for us, I just lost it, and for what felt like no reason at all. I could not stop crying with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, sadness, and fear of the upcoming sleepless night(s) filled with more pain while breastfeeding. It seemed like there was going to be no end.
I also was grieving the life that Drew and I had before baby. Thoughts of “we’ll never get to…” flooded my mind. We’ll never get to take another vacation just the two of us, we’ll never get to go on a date night again, we’ll never get another good night of sleep ever. The thought of our perfectly happy lives being disrupted by this new human just made me sad. While they were real fears and thoughts I had, I knew they weren’t true. We would be able to have vacations with and without baby, date nights, and get good sleep – maybe not immediately but at some point we will be able to do all of those things.
Drew being the best partner, let me feel my feelings but also wanted to make sure I felt supported. He started researching what I was feeling and helped me realize that it was “baby blues” and completely normal to feel that way. I also received support from family and friends – my sister and her husband basically moved in with us for a few days and cooked and cleaned for us, which truly was a lifesaver. Thankfully the baby blues only lasted a few days for me, but it was a new and scary experience.
In-Home Lactation Consultation
Thankfully as I was focused on breastfeeding and honestly distracted by the pain, Drew was researching in-home lactation consultations for me. As part of our in-hospital lactation consultation, our hospital provided breastfeeding resources for us, including a list of lactation consultants and breastfeeding resources.
Almost immediately after we started the breastfeeding journey, and I say we because Drew has been there every step of the way supporting us, Drew started contacting lactation consultants. We were able to find a company that was in-network with our insurance to do a virtual appointment the next day and could do an in-home consultation the following week. At this point (only a few days into breastfeeding), I felt lost and that I needed professional help.
The virtual appointment was helpful as she listened to my concerns and was able to guide how I could improve my technique, without seeing my latch in person. I explained that I wanted to ensure Owen was getting enough nutrition at each feed and that the latch was good. I told her that breastfeeding so far had been very painful and that he was falling asleep at feedings. She shared some techniques I could try (ie. manually massaging while feeding) until my in-home consultation the next week.
The in-home consultation helped increase my confidence in breastfeeding. Similar to the virtual appointment, I shared my breastfeeding goals and concerns. I wanted a well-fed baby and didn’t have a strong preference for what method we used – breastfeeding, pumping, formula, or a combination of all of that. The extra benefits of the in-home consultation were that:
- We could be at home in the environment that we normally feed
- Drew would be able to observe and take notes and pictures – I’d even recommend taking videos if allowed
- We did a weighted feed where we took the baby’s weight before and after a feeding to see how many ounces he was getting per feed
- The lactation consultant could evaluate my technique/positioning and observe Owen’s latch in person
- We could practice feeding positions and latching
- The lactation consultant could evaluate Owen’s mouth to see if there were any physical obstacles causing breastfeeding to be painful (ie. if he had a tongue tie)
Let me tell you, the in-home consultation was truly life-changing! She showed me the best hold for learning to breastfeed, shared proper techniques, showed me how to help Owen get a deep latch, and evaluated his feeding and mouth/tongue.
- Cross-cradle is the easiest position for you to have a little control over the baby’s position and help them get a deep latch
- Bring the baby to your breast, don’t bring your breast to the baby
- Tilt your nipple up toward the baby’s nose to get their mouth to open wide, then guide them to your nipple to get a deep latch
- The baby should have their upper and lower lips flipped out (like a fish) which should allow them to have large jaw drops, indicating that they are swallowing enough milk
After doing the weighted feed, we learned that Owen was getting around 2-3oz after each feed and was getting enough food for his age. Note: We’ve done our own “weighted feeds” and he’s still getting the same if not more now that my milk supply has increased a bit! As part of the feeding, she also let us practice latching and evaluated Owen’s latch and thankfully determined it was a latch problem and not a tongue tie! Unfortunately, Owen was still under his birth weight, and being two days away from his 2-week appointment, we knew he was about a week or so behind.
The weighted feed and latch assessment relieved and fixed my worries concerning breast pain and ensuring he was getting enough food per feed. It was the encouragement I needed that breastfeeding could be pain-free and less stressful.
Getting Better
It has been over a month since I started my breastfeeding journey (which means Owen is over one month old??) and I’m happy to say it’s gotten so much better! We have gotten better with latching and my milk supply has increased as Owen is feeding more per session. Drew and I have a great routine going down, with Drew changing Owen’s diaper before a feed, me feeding/burping/sitting with Owen for about 40 minutes to an hour, Drew changing his diaper again (if needed), and putting Owen back down (at night) or sitting with him (during the day).
I still pump a few times during the day, typically one session in the morning and one before going to bed to empty my supply so I can sleep more comfortably. We’ve gotten a high-level schedule going but are very flexible with it depending on how Owen is feeding (doing more on-demand feeding):
- 7:30-8 am: Wake-up
- 8-9 am: Breastfeed or bottle feed (depending on how I’m feeling in the morning), burp, and sit Owen up for 15-20 minutes – if Drew bottle feeds Owen, I will usually pump during that time
- 11-12 pm: Breastfeed or bottle feed (depending on what type of feed we did at 8 am, if we breastfed at 8 am then we will bottle feed/pump at this feed or vice versa)
- 2-3 pm: Breastfeed
- 5-6 pm: Breastfeed
- 8-9 pm: Bottle feed and pump
- *12/12:30-1-1:30 am: Breastfeed
- *4/4:30-5/5:30am: Breastfeed
* For the night feeds, since Owen is now past his birth weight, his pediatrician said we don’t need to wake him up for feeds at night and we can go off of his hunger cues (aka crying). On average, he can go 4-4.5ish hours between feedings so we have been able to sleep in 3ish-hour increments. Drew sleeps during the feed so he’s able to get some extra ZZZs.
While the feedings sometimes do take an entire hour, I’m trying to embrace this time to bond and soak in these moments with Owen. He’s only so little for a short amount of time and I know that I will miss these moments when he’s older. Seeing his little face throughout the night truly makes me happy and makes me love him so much more. I also can get some quality TikTok time, mainly to keep me awake.
I know it may not seem like helpful advice hearing it while you’re in the thick of things, but what I’ve realized even after just a few weeks of motherhood is that things truly do get easier. You and your partner get used to the schedule and sleep deprivation. You and your baby learn more about each other. You gain more confidence in what you’re doing every day.
I’ve realized that breastfeeding is a journey for a reason. It may not start perfectly and takes time to get the hang of. I still feel like there is progress to be made – some days his latch takes a few tries or he gets super gassy, but there are small improvements every day.
Two Month Update
It’s been over two months since I original wrote all of the above and wanted to update that 1) we are able to let Owen sleep through the night now (yay!) so we usually only have one night feed around 2:30-3am (double yay!) and 2) breastfeeding is still a rollercoaster.
All was going well until the 2-month mark. Leading up to Owen’s 2 month birthday, I was feeling very confident with breastfeeding and thought the 6-month goal would be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. But as we were nearing his 2-months, I felt like my supply was dropping and Owen was started to regress a bit with breastfeeding. He would flail a cry a lot which made it very frustrating and more stressy-depressy-lemon-zesty. I would get visibly frustrated and Drew would have to take the baby so we could all take a break. He also dropped from his growth chart so obvi I started to spiral a bit.
My gut feeling is that this is probably a combination of us still learning his cues (we try our best to stay on a very loose schedule, but I’m thinking he’s just not hungry sometimes) and him getting stronger and squirmier in general (mainly to help his gas). Thankfully one of our friends is a lactation consultant so we’re able to get her professional assessment to make sure we’re still doing everything right and can make any adjustments needed.
I’m not giving up on breastfeeding or pumping just yet, but will continue to try all that I can to improve for as long as possible physically and mentally!
Breastfeeding Essentials
Even though the start of my breastfeeding journey was rough and painful, these things are what have helped make my breastfeeding journey more enjoyable (or I should say less miserable). It’s all about what works for you and your baby. If breastfeeding is not for you and you want to exclusively pump or use formula, or a combination of all the things, do what’s best for you!
- Lactation consultation(s) – This is ESSENTIAL. We had two consultants come visit us at the hospital but everything was such a blur the day after birth that it didn’t click. It wasn’t until I got home and started breastfeeding that I felt like I needed additional help. Try to get an in-home appointment scheduled as soon as possible when you get home (and covered through insurance if possible)!
- Electric breast pump – I use the Spectra S1 and LOVE it. It has a battery life so I’m able to move it around without having to be plugged into a power outlet. Your insurance should provide one for free or subsidize one for you! I went through Aeroflow. They will also send replacement parts every month!
- Wearable breast pump – I have the Momcozy M5 with appropriate sized phalange inserts and really like it! It doesn’t feel as strong as the Spectra but it’s great for multi-tasking. One consideration for this specific model is that there is no cap to the top, so you can’t bend over while pumping or else milk will spill out. I would consider one that is completely closed!
- Extra Spectra bottles
- Phalanges that fit your nipple – I originally used the phalanges that came with the Spectra but they were too big for me so I was fitted by the lactation consultant and ordered my size. I would recommend getting fitted at the hospital if possible so you can start on the right foot.
- Manual breast pumps/milk collectors:
- Original Haakaa – This one is larger but has a stronger suction to manually pump milk
- Ladybug Haakaa – This one is flatter and can be worn in your bra but has a weaker suction since it’s just a milk collector
- Boon manual pumps – These were recommended to me by the lactation consultant but are just ok; they are thicker silicone but very comfortable.
- Silver nipple covers
- Nipple balm
- Reusable nipple pads
- Hair tie/hair clip & bobby pins
- Bottles – We use the Dr. Brown’s bottles, but you should try a few to see which your baby likes
- Slow flow nipples – Most of the bottles came with a size 1 nipple but may be too fast for newborns, so we ordered slow flow nipples to help with bottle feeding
- Pigeon silicone nipples – These fit the Spectra S1 pump
- Dr. Brown’s natural flow nipple (Transition level)
- Dry-erase marker – We put the date and time of each bottle once my supply came in and I had a better breastfeeding/pumping routine
- Burp cloths – You truly cannot have enough
- Bottle sterilizer and dryer – We love this, but after experiencing how much washing we do, I would consider getting a washer/sterilizer/dryer combo machine
- Washbin for bottle parts – This was great for keeping bottle/nursing parts separate from normal dishes
- Formula + nipples – We supplemented the first week or so as my breastmilk came in
- Pumping bra – This one is ok and kinda bulky because of the multiple layers, but I end up having to hold up the pumps to get a good suction anyway
- Nursing bras – I love these from Bodily and these from Amazon
- Bottle warmer – We have 2 of these, one for upstairs and one for downstairs
Other Breastfeeding Caddy Items
As part of my breastfeeding routine, I put everything in a caddy and bring that up and down stairs every day/night for portability. In addition to the items above, I have other baby and postpartum essentials in case I need to use them:
- Advil
- Stool softener
- Vitamin D drops – Make sure to get this cleared by your pediatrician before administering
- Mylocin drops for infants – Owen had a lot of gas (which is normal for newborns), so our pediatrician recommended we try these
- Frida Baby NoseFrida
- Nail file
I am feeling more confident each day with breastfeeding as Owen and I get more practice. But it’s a journey that Owen, Drew, and I are on together!
Happy feeding!
Vivian
