At the start of every year, I go through a process of identifying various goals I want to achieve. I’ve tried setting generic goals such as “eat healthier”, to specific goals such as “drink 8 glasses of water a day”. Somehow I always find myself slacking off only a few weeks after I started. However, I recently realized that I wanted to change my focus this year away from specifics and toward a single mantra:
Be where your feet are.
For the better part of my life, I have been a planner. I’ve spent countless hours figuring out each second of my week, month, trying to optimize every day. As a Guardian (based on my Business Chemistry), I prefer order and structure over spontaneity and improvisation. I had a plan and schedule for everything. I grew to associate having my plan with comfort because I had control over my days. In college I used to plan out when I would see Drew or go on my next trip. Many times I would have to turn down invitations because my schedule was already packed. As I entered into the working world, my free time became limited and it wasn’t as easy to squeeze in a dentist appointment or visit with friends. Therefore, any free time that I did have was quickly taken over with a plan to go to the doctor or grab dinner with a friend.
As much as I loved checking things off and spending time with friends, I often found myself feeling exhausted from so much activity (as my ISFJ personality would be). My weekends turned into getting things done rather than time to relax. I would start my work weeks feeling drained from my two days “off” rather than rejuvenated and really started to question whether having a plan was worth it.
Well – the world had other arrangements and caused a huge shift in my life. Back in October, my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer. My dad had gone back to China for what was supposed to be a 3-month trip and my sister had traveled to New York in search for a new job. I took a day off work to take my mom to her appointment – and there we were, in the recovery room being told “we found a mass”, which quickly turned into:
“it looks suspicious”…”we need to look again”…it’s cancer”…”it’s covering your stomach”…”it’s spread to your abdomen”…and the dreaded words: “Stage 4”.
Our “plans” could not have been disrupted more abruptly and it was over these few weeks how quickly I realized what was truly important to me. None of my plans ever even considered something so unimaginable – but why would they? In fact, I had plans of traveling to Shanghai with my family this year, even the idea of my mom moving in with us to take care of our future children and teach them Mandarin.
Well – shit happens, and when it happens, you can’t plan for it. My life, my mom’s life, my dad and my sister’s lives – all changed in an instant and all of a sudden, nothing else mattered besides family and being together now.
I soon realized that there’s no point in mapping out my every second when it could all change in an instant. I couldn’t care less if I had 10 cups of water or did 100 crunches in a day. I really wanted change in my life and the first thing was to be present and forget appointments and scheduling. I don’t want to look back at this time we have an think I was too busy focusing on the future to appreciate the now.
I am extremely grateful that we live in a city with the some of the top cancer doctors and treatment facilities – knowing that many others travel far seeking treatment and some not having the opportunity.
So my goal this year to forget any plans that I may have had and just be where my feet are – cherish the time we have together and just enjoy life. I want to appreciate those around me and full my days with smiles and laughter. Why spend our time caring about what others think, trying to please everyone around us, being too afraid to do something, or filling our days with things that don’t bring us happiness?
Don’t get me wrong – we all have responsibilities and jobs to tend to, but why take it so seriously? I know I don’t want to reflect on my life in who the hell knows how long from now and think I wasted it being worried or stressed about what’s to come.
I started this blog with the intention of documenting my life’s adventures – the good, the bad, the ugly. Well the past few months have been one hell of an adventure and has just sparked my desire to record it all.
Life is too short to focus on planning the future – so why not take every second and appreciate the time we have now – because quite frankly, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and I want to enjoy every present second.
To mommy – I love you, I admire you, I support you. When can we play cards?
